What desirest thou?

1. 
   
2. I love to see the temple.
   I'm going there someday
   To feel the Holy Spirit,
   To listen and to pray.
   For the temple is a house of God,
   A place of love and beauty.
   I'll prepare myself while I am young;
   This is my sacred duty.
3. I love to see the temple.
   I'll go inside someday.
   I'll cov'nant with my Father;
   I'll promise to obey.
   For the temple is a holy place
   Where we are sealed together.
   As a child of God, I've learned this truth:
   A fam'ly is forever.

I've been preparing to go through the temple for a while now. I mean, it's always the goal growing up, to go through so you can get married. But with no marriage on the horizon and a mission not in the plan, I wanted the blessings and peace and knowledge that comes from going through the temple. I don't want my temple experience to be just part of a checklist on the road to something else, because the temple is a holy place, and it's important to me that I give it its own distinction. The gospel is the most important thing in my life. You would think that if something that was the most important thing in your life, it would be easy to not do anything to mess up. But actually, it's really hard (maybe it's easy for you, in which case, thrown in a good word for me when you get translated).

I've heard that once you make the decision to go to the temple, that's when Satan works his hardest on you. Extra temptations, extra disparaging thoughts.I can feel this being so true. It's like I'm in a never ending loop of:

"I'm ready to go to the temple. I've done temple prep, I've talked to bishop."
"But what if you're not ready?'
"But is anyone ever *really* ready?"
"Probably more ready than you."
"But I know that going to the temple is a good thing! I want to go make those promises with my Heavenly Father."
"But remember that time you made a mistake? You're not worthy."
"Repentance is real. I know it is. The atonement is real, and it is there for me."
"But what if you're not repenting enough? You keep on making mistakes! You're not worthy."
"The Lord doesn't require perfection, he requires effort. I can't ignore the feelings that I've had that I'm supposed to be going through! I want to make these covenants"
"But what about the feelings right now that you have that you're not ready?"
"But I AM ready!"
"But what if you're not?"

Imagine that conversation in your head every 5 minutes. It is exhausting.

 At devotional this week, Jeffrey Bunker told the story of the little boy and the starfish. How even if there are thousands of starfish on the shore and we can't save all of them, throwing them back into the ocean one at a time still makes a difference. Usually this story comes in relation to service, how even if we're not impacting millions of people with a service project, simple acts directed at the individual level are still worthwhile. His speech associated the starfish with sins instead. There may be hundreds of sins that happen in our life, and even if we can't get rid of them all at once, it is still worthwhile to throw them back into the ocean one at a time. There may even be starfish that keep reappearing on the shore. And instead of getting discouraged, we just need to throw them back in, again and again.

I know that repentance is real. I know that the atonement is for me. I know that I can be forgiven of my sins, even if the same starfish keep showing up on my shoreline, as long as I keep repenting of them. I'm trying not to get discouraged about my imperfections, because I know I'm not expected to be perfect. Shoutout to everyone on earth and in heaven for being so patient with me.

So, I have meetings with my bishop and my stake president this week. Maybe they'll say that everything I'm thinking about is a normal part of life, and the rest of my mortality will still be filled with need of constant repentance and that it's okay. Maybe they'll tell me to keep working on it and to wait 6 months or a year or two (and that the rest of my mortality will still be filled with need of constant repentance, and that it's okay). I trust their judgments as representatives of Christ, and know that no matter the timeline, I'll go inside someday. 

On Top of the World and I'm Feeling just fine.

12 stories high, there is a roof I have admired for the past 3 years. It's called the SWKT, and ever since little freshman Abigail came to BYU she has wanted to get on top of it. Unfortunately, the door is always locked. I think it used to be open to the public, but then students decided that throwing paper airplanes and pennies off of 12 stories would be a lot of fun or something (though to admit, throwing a paper airplane from that roof would be a lot of fun, so...) I knew that every so often they would hold tours up there, but I always seemed to find out about them the day after they happened.

Spoiler to this story: I DID IT

Conveniently I have a best friend who is a nursing major that spends a lot of time in the SWKT and sees pertinent posters. (Here we are on the top! I don't even care that you can't see the city behind us, because let's be real, that girl IS the view #wifethat #ohwaitSOMEONEALREADYDID. Good call on that Matthew.)

Lis must like me a lot, because she helps me cross of a lot of my #byubucketlist. There's a picture with us and Cosmo somewhere, she was definitely the brave one who asked. I'm real lucky to have her as a friend, and I'm glad that I can still hang out with her sometimes even though she's married and married people are supposed to be boring. We fight through that. Also, Matthew is pretty cool, so that helps.

Okay, this was not meant to be a Lissa appreciation post. I mean, there's a lot of appreciation I have for her, so it makes sense that this would happen like every post, but I digress.


I don't know why, but a lot of my bucket list revolves around heights. I don't really see the appeal of skydiving, because that seems unnecessarily reckless. But I do want to ride a helicopter, summit Y mountain, get on the top of buildings, etc. I love being able to see everything around me for miles. I think it somehow makes me feel small, but on top of the world as well. While life can get really hard sometimes, taking a step back (or rather, a step up) puts life into perspective. We can get so caught up in that bad things that our happening in our own little world. When we can see a world that is bigger than what we see on our daily basis, I think it brings the realization that spilling something on our shirt, or tripping in front of a cute boy isn't going to end the world, because the world is, surprisingly, much bigger than ourselves.

President of BYU, Kevin Worthen quoted Thoreau saying "Some will remember no doubt , not only that they went to college, but that they went to the mountain." He continues to talk about how mountains are have historically, and continue to be, places of instruction, places of communication and revelation, and places of transfiguration where people are transformed and changed in significant ways. Being a midwest girl, where the saying is that you can "stand on a stepstool and see the back of your head" because the terrain is so flat, I have always loved the mountains. I'm glad that I did as Thoreau said, and went not only to college, but to the mountains too. 

Anyway, this has been a really long way of saying, that I live in a pretty place. 

I just met a girl named....Sophiaaaaaaaa

Sophia is my roommate. And by I just met her, I mean, I met her two and a half years ago. We were randomly assigned to be roommates freshman year, and I cannot imagine what my college experience could have been like without her. Fun fact: Before moving in, I tried to transfer out of our apartment because I wanted to be in a building closer to campus. I had a mini existential crisis and decided to stay in the room I had first gotten into, because what if those girls would have been the best people I'd ever met? Let me tell you, divine intervention is a thing, because all of my best friends I met because of that apartment.

She had mentioned freshman year that all she had ever wanted for her birthday was for someone to make a video of the people she loved in life saying nice things about her. Her love language is words of affirmation, if you couldn't figure that out :) Anyways, cut to now, I was super sneaky ("Hey, I should probably get your mom's phone number, for like, emergency reasons or something". "I wish my family took home videos growing up....Did your family do that ever??") So sneaky.

Anyways, I have a lot of love for this girl, and turns out, there are a lot of other people who have love to give her too. Happy birthday Soph!

Highs and Lows

There are a lot of feelings that happen. Remember that time I got an internship? So I talked to them on the phone and it was great! They told me that they were so excited that I was interested in coming, and they told me what they were hoping I could do for them (creating a sex education campaign, and bringing it to refugees and college students) Like, I know I'm a teaching assistant for an infectious disease course and that I volunteered with refugees and that I wrote that all of that on my resume, BUT YOU THINK I CAN DO THE THINGS I WROTE ON MY RESUME? THAT"S SUCH A GROWN UP THING. WHY AM I BEING A GROWN UP??

That was exciting. So exciting! In a health department? Working with infectious disease? That's exactly what I want! So thats the high of this post.

Low of the post.

So I went to go talk to my advisor about the internship, just to make sure that I'd be able to cross all the T's and dot all the I's. She was really negative about it, which was super weird. In her words, "I only advise, you decide" (she said that several times, apparently I'm not a very convincing advisee). She felt really strongly that doing the internship was a bad idea and that I shouldn't do it, because it's a year earlier than everyone else generally does theirs. In the health program, students most often do their internship after their senior year, because they don't have the internship pre-requisites done. Also that way if the internship turns into a job offer, they won't have any classes left to take and can accept.

But like, I have all my classes done, and I planned it that way so that I could do an internship inbetween my junior and senior year. Mostly because I didn't want to go back to my hometown and work at a grocery store for 60 hours a week, which I've done every summer for the past 5 years. Ugh. I just wanted to feel like I was moving forward in life. So I've been planning all my classes so that I could do this internship on my timetable. So I really threw a wrench in my plans when suddenly I had an advisor telling me not to do this. Suddenly visions of working in a menial, no-brained jobs for 4 months with no friends.

Needless to say, I skipped the rest of my classes so that I could go home and cry for the rest of the day.

So I called my mom that day. Within 2 seconds of me on the phone she asked me what was wrong. (shoutout to mother's intuition). After talking to her, I talked to Papa about the same exact thing, and he gave me the same advice. My mother gets SO MAD when that happens, because she says that no one will ever listen to her until my father repeats her advice. Sorry about that mom, I promise you're great.

And because I'm someone who talks a lot, I called one more person, Michelle. Michelle is my public health mom. She's in the program with me, though a couple semesters ahead of me. We've had a bunch of classes together, and she is really one of the most incredible women that I know. She's doing her internship in DC, and so I called her, and she told me all the things my parents told. Again. So I guess the moral this story is that I don't learn anything by being taught just once.

I don't know whats going to happen. I don't know if this internship will work. But I do know that there are people in this world that I like a lot, and no matter what happens, it's all going to work. It'll all work out.

It is going to work out.

(apartment) 27 Dresses (as each other)

I made this video for our apartment's introductions at ward prayer. Lots of costume changes.

Post Rejection

So apparently writing down my feelings is a good thing in that it shows to the powers that be that I am learning the life lessons that I’m supposed to be learning. It like getting enough points to level up. 

Approximately 30 seconds after hitting publish on my last post, I got an email from my hometown health department offering me an internship. HOORAY! Considering I applied to only two internships, I am, according to Mushu, one lucky bug. This internship isn’t even one that exists, it was more of a “email us stuff about you and we might make something for you to do”. 

Anyways, so I got an email back that said "We're so excited that you emailed us, we'll call you soon!"

HOORAY FOR BEING A GROWN UP

Rejection Letter

Today's rejection refers to the letter in my mailbox.

I've never really had to interview for anything. I've had the same job since I was 16, where I went up to manager to say the expected "hi, I just turned in an application, blah blah blah" and he pretty much hired me on the spot because he "liked my attitude" or something. I mean, I'm very likeable, so it makes sense. All my nanny jobs I never even advertised for, people just came up to me and asked if I wanted to nanny. The job I have at school now I essentially went up to my professor and said, "I liked your class, can I be your TA?"

I got a rejection letter today.

It was for an internship I had applied for. I know that the career counselors at school tell us to apply for like 15 internships in hope of being accepted by 3. It's kind of a weird feeling. I mean, these people don't know me, all they know is what I wrote on a piece of paper for them. So I'm not even upset, though I feel like maybe I should be?

But it's not my decision how people feel about me.

Sure, there are things I can do to impact their feelings, work a little harder, maybe get better grades, volunteer more? Even doing all of those things, they might have still decided to "not proceed with you as a candidate". It's just not my decision whether or not I'm accepted Just because I'm not right for one place, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me. It just means that I can find something better. Rejection is everywhere, and that's not a bad thing. It's kind of sucky, yeah. One rejection down, I'm sure many more to go. YAY!

You got this. Because you are great.

Being Brave

I am not an inherently brave person. My New Year's resolution has been the same ever since I left home for university.

 "Do more things you might regret". 

I would like to clarify. It's not that I want to do things that I know I will regret, promise I'm not going out and getting knocked up or robbing a bank. People often combine regret with recklessness. I don't agree. Do things that maybe aren't the most logical. Things that to look back on and say, "huh, look what I know know".

Life isn't about getting through as efficiently as possible.

I feel that if I never make mistakes that I'll never learn from anything. I want to be able to tell my future daughter that failing a test sucks and heartbreak feels like the end of the world, not because I read about it in a story but that it happened to me too. Mistakes help us figure out who we are.

Yes, what if something awful happens? Then you figure it out. But what if something wonderful happens? If you don't take any chances, there's no chance for anything great! I'm pretty sure there's a marketing or and economics or investing phrase that says, 'high risk, high reward'. So go apply for that job, go cook a new recipe, go hold that boy's hand.

Just so you don't think I'm all talk and no walk, a story:

At school, I meet a lot of people. And at BYU that means dating a lot of people. My friends at home are always shocked when we get together and talk about our schools, because I'll casually mention a date here and a date there. The shy, never-had-a-boyfriend-ever girl from high school is a dating machine?? (disclaimer: still have never had a boyfriend, whatcha gonna do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

But there was a boy that I had been hanging out with, and my roommates had all been teasing me to go a make a move on him. So I decided to roll with it. When we were with other friends, he jokingly put his arm around me (eek!) and later on in the night I texted him "Next time you try to make a move on me, make sure the others aren't there, what are you doing later this week? :)" SO FORWARD, RIGHT? So, long story short, we had another date, we held hands, it was great, until afterwards when I decided I didn't actually want to date this boy. So I panicked.

My method of dealing with this problem was to...avoid him at all cost. Which was rough since we had the same friends, so I was just really awkward, which isn't really new, but whatever. Finally I knew that I had to do something, because I liked hanging out with him, I just didn't want to be dating him. After pacing nervously around my apartment for a while, my roommates kicked me out until I went and talked to him. So essentially I ambushed him.. I was not chill, I was not subtle, it probably seemed a little bit like I was yelling because I was talking really fast and really loud. 

Being brave doesn't mean you have to be good at it.

the rundown of that conversation was "HI I"M SORRY THAT I'VE BEEN SO WEIRD LATELY IT"S JUST THAT I HAVE SOME FEELINGS THAT I NEED TO TELL YOU BECAUSE I DO LIKE YOU, BUT I DON"T WANT TO DATE BUT I LIKE HANGING OUT WITH YOU AND I HOPE THAT WE CAN STILL DO THAT WITHOUT IT BEING WEIRD". He just laughed and said it was totally okay, we high-fived and then some friends came over and we played card games. 

Bravery is not never being scared. (insert cliche quote about being scared but "saddling up anyway" or something). I am pretty much scared every moment ever. But being scared is okay. Gold at the end of the rainbow and all that.

I cut off all my hair

I'm super lazy when it comes to my hair.  It's kept long a lot of the time because I hate getting hair cuts. Throwing all beauty advice to the wind, I get my hair cut about once a year, and then mostly to just get rid of dead ends, and then about every 3 years, it's long enough to donate to Locks of Love/Pantene Beautiful Lengths/Wigs for Kids. But my hair grows pretty quick and also is incredibly thick, so everytime I donate it makes about 6 ponytails. But my hair becomes such a definition of myself, which can be a pain. It's strange, but people seem to take personal offense which I make changes to it. "Oh, you cut your hair? It was so beautiful!". Um yes, I know my hair is bombing when it's long. But let me tell you a little secret....


(I DON"T DRESS FOR OTHER PEOPLE. I DRESS FOR MYSELF.)


Also, unless your the one who has to spend 20 minutes to wash it, take forever to dry, and constant headaches because it's so heavy, then you don't get to tell me what to do. So, when I realized that I was, in fact, a grown-ass lady and can do what I like, I started taking risks, cause why not, you know?

"But dyeing your hair is so harsh and permanent!"

 "Don't get bangs, they always look awful"

"But boys love long hair!"

Okay, fun fact: hair grows back. It honestly does not make two toots worth of difference in the cosmos whether I have 3 feet of dead cells coming out of my scalp or not. I know that the things I do to my hair maybe aren't the most "wordly" attractive. But they make me really happy, so it shouldn't matter at all to anyone else what I do to my hair. Someone's bright teal pixie cut, that's what they want their hair to look like.!The girl with hair down past her waist? That's cool too. Want to rock a natural fro? Go for it! 

People of the internet, I have a new universal beauty rule. 

"Don't hold your beauty standards to anyone but yourself."

Be kind. Be brave. Show love. Make people happy. It's going to be okay, and it's going to be worth it.

Beginnings

Hi. Here's a poem to start us off.

"My Life's Direction"

Sometimes I feel just a little bit lost

I’m sure that you just might relate

But I have quite a few directional options

To consider as I configure my fate

I’m trying so hard to do what is right,

With the patience and strength I have left

So I’ll stumble straight into this world of adults

I feel like I wasn’t prepared for this test

The stress is getting me all worked up

Yet it's also somehow dragging me down?

Maybe it’s obvious I don’t know where I’m going

As I aimlessly wander around

I’m trying to let people in to my life

I’m trying a little to break out of my shell

It’s a work in progress, I have to admit

Sometimes I sit alone with my good friend Adele

Some people just seem so on top of it all

Excuse me as I crawl under my blankets

There better be something good at the end of this way

Because I am over always feeling this anxious

So hello from the other side

I think that’s really where I want to be

I need to cross one of Rob Frost’s two roads

I’m grateful at least that there wasn’t three

I’ve tiptoed around making any decisions

There’s been too many doors I’ve been afraid to go through

To the kind career counselors that said “play it safe”

I think I’ll try saying “Screw You”

Whether up, down, or through

North, South, or West

I’m made too many choices

Off what others thought best

So as I take my first steps to move forward in life

Let me first  explain you my math

I’ll look for my help from above

And that’s more than enough

Because your compass won’t work for my path.

Love,

Abigail