I've been preparing to go through the temple for a while now. I mean, it's always the goal growing up, to go through so you can get married. But with no marriage on the horizon and a mission not in the plan, I wanted the blessings and peace and knowledge that comes from going through the temple. I don't want my temple experience to be just part of a checklist on the road to something else, because the temple is a holy place, and it's important to me that I give it its own distinction. The gospel is the most important thing in my life. You would think that if something that was the most important thing in your life, it would be easy to not do anything to mess up. But actually, it's really hard (maybe it's easy for you, in which case, thrown in a good word for me when you get translated).
I've heard that once you make the decision to go to the temple, that's when Satan works his hardest on you. Extra temptations, extra disparaging thoughts.I can feel this being so true. It's like I'm in a never ending loop of:
"I'm ready to go to the temple. I've done temple prep, I've talked to bishop."
"But what if you're not ready?'
"But is anyone ever *really* ready?"
"Probably more ready than you."
"But I know that going to the temple is a good thing! I want to go make those promises with my Heavenly Father."
"But remember that time you made a mistake? You're not worthy."
"Repentance is real. I know it is. The atonement is real, and it is there for me."
"But what if you're not repenting enough? You keep on making mistakes! You're not worthy."
"The Lord doesn't require perfection, he requires effort. I can't ignore the feelings that I've had that I'm supposed to be going through! I want to make these covenants"
"But what about the feelings right now that you have that you're not ready?"
"But I AM ready!"
"But what if you're not?"
Imagine that conversation in your head every 5 minutes. It is exhausting.
At devotional this week, Jeffrey Bunker told the story of the little boy and the starfish. How even if there are thousands of starfish on the shore and we can't save all of them, throwing them back into the ocean one at a time still makes a difference. Usually this story comes in relation to service, how even if we're not impacting millions of people with a service project, simple acts directed at the individual level are still worthwhile. His speech associated the starfish with sins instead. There may be hundreds of sins that happen in our life, and even if we can't get rid of them all at once, it is still worthwhile to throw them back into the ocean one at a time. There may even be starfish that keep reappearing on the shore. And instead of getting discouraged, we just need to throw them back in, again and again.
I know that repentance is real. I know that the atonement is for me. I know that I can be forgiven of my sins, even if the same starfish keep showing up on my shoreline, as long as I keep repenting of them. I'm trying not to get discouraged about my imperfections, because I know I'm not expected to be perfect. Shoutout to everyone on earth and in heaven for being so patient with me.
So, I have meetings with my bishop and my stake president this week. Maybe they'll say that everything I'm thinking about is a normal part of life, and the rest of my mortality will still be filled with need of constant repentance and that it's okay. Maybe they'll tell me to keep working on it and to wait 6 months or a year or two (and that the rest of my mortality will still be filled with need of constant repentance, and that it's okay). I trust their judgments as representatives of Christ, and know that no matter the timeline, I'll go inside someday.
